February 2011
21 posts
January 2011
24 posts
My emotions are vivid colors, yellow swirling with fiery red blending to make a burnt orange as if the warmth in my heart is fueling the flame urging it to burnburnburn until too much of one hue seeps in and the coloring is all wrong. Suddenly the bright shades start to weaken, refusing to mix, becoming a stormy palate of grays and I feel my outsides reflect my insides, the light in my eyes now...
I am adjusting.
Who’d have thought the girl wearing cardigans in July would heave a sign of relief when the temperature hits 30.
Last
April, as I drove down High St. in the rain, I pulled over in the Exxon parking lot and called my mother sobbing. I was so confused, and we started laughing on the phone; why was I sad? After years of bitching about Tallahassee, heaving such a sigh of relief whenever I returned home to Valrico, I couldn’t bear to leave it behind.
“I’m just…going to miss my friends. And the...
What do you have against New Jersey?... →
Oh Scots, you are really pushing this? →
You should not read this in a library, the office,... →
Tumult
I am trying to stay strong, stay hopeful, to not lose heart, but there are so many paths I fear I will choose the wrong one.
I must focus on the thrill of having my future in my hands, completely malleable- I must reassure myself that even though I may worry about the direction I take, I will never hit a dead end. There will always be options, opportunity, growth. (It is so easy to forget this,...
Let’s keep track of each other through this blogosphere-texosphere-atmosphere-whatever, pretend we are not watching the other’s move but we are, so consiencious, aware, watching, mimicking, magnetic, matching, eclipsing the other, but at the end of the night we will acknowledge the other, wishing we could keep them warm.
I
feel good. Do you feel good?
(It might be the drinks, but let’s ignore that minor detail.) Weekend, enjoy.
Sometimes
we need to disconnect.
I’ve been on quite the Elvis kick lately. I must admit, it adds a certain jaunt to my step.
Elementary
So often I speak of not regretting, but I do have one thing I am sorry for: not taking advantage of my education. There are so many things that I memorized then removed from my consciousness. Now I wonder how I wasn’t fascinated by Mesopotamia! enthralled with the caste system! immersed in secular views! losing myself in book after book! Voraciously consuming every bit of knowledge that was...
We still
have a ways to go, but so far I haven’t been held back by the cold- my toes have gone numb, my fingernails ached so strongly I was sure they’d simply fall off, even repeated “Fucking mother fucker, Jesus fucking Christ” the entire ten-minute walk from the train to my house. But as soon as I step into the warmth, and the feeling returns to my limbs, I think of how...
“That being free. What would the dark
Do without fevers to eat?
What would the...”
– Sylvia Plath, The Jailer (1962)
Reflecting, looking forward.
I never imagined myself as the person I am now, and I never knew this happiness existed. This acceptance of things, unquestioning. Somewhere along the line I learned to be ashamed of regret, and to think sincerely and decisively of my actions and thoughts.
Some think you should follow your heart over your head.
Find your balance, acknowledge which leads you, and embrace yourself- your thoughts...
